Sometimes I just feel so alone in this world. Like I'm disconnected and left out from everything. It feels like nobody really wants to talk to me and they're just saying they do to make me feel better. They talk to me because they feel sorry for me. I'm a failure. A let-down. And I'm not good enough for anyone. I just don't know anymore. I probably brought this upon myself But idk. It feels like nobody ever listens to me. Though it's not like I talk much. But it's because I feel like nobody cares about what I have to say. I'm alone. I wish I wasn't so socialanxietypsychobitchantisocial freak. Then everything would be okay. But it's not, and I'm not. Cue MCR.

I realize that I generally only 'blurb' when I'm dissociating really bad. I'm not dissociating today. I'm just trying to use up the pages - hence all the random doodles/lyrics. It's refreshing. Like my school notebook. I love it 2 death.
Effing laptop died.

lol my brother's name is Joshua. Nobody calls him Joshua ever. Lol. Joshua tree.

Incase you didn't know, that is a Joshua tree in it's natural habitat. (The Mojave desert.) Cali, Arizona, Utah, Nevada.

LMFAO, don't they look fuckin' weird? xD

garlic tampon, drumstick chicken leg, Fembot porn. That is all. Oh, + I made a fort in my room last nite. =)

This is the first thing I remember.
Now it's the last thing on my mind.
An empty heart replaced with paranoia.
Where do we go? Life's temporary.
I'm so lost. I'm barely here. I wish I could explain myself, but words escape me. It's too late. 
You're too late.

"If they wanted to live, they'd learn to play the game."

I AM ALONE.
Sometimes all I fucking want is somebody to talk to. Someone who will actually listen. And I don't feel like there's anyone who legitimately would. Felicia said Tyler was suicidal tonight. I said, "So was I, but does it really matter?" She said, "Well, you would never do it anyways." Honestly, if I was upset enough I could hurt myself. I hold back from her because I feel like she shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm always listening to her problems. She couldn't legitimately listen to anyone to save Tyler's life. I want to protect her.
Where did I get lost?
What even are my problems?
I don't fucking know. I'm Lost.
I shouldn't be here.

I want to fill this book up so I can use the new one. I love notebooks...

I've been lost lately. And again, I can't stress this enough, I LOVE the movie Inception. It makes me feel like everything is a dream...and well...isn't it? I feel like it is. Like, everything shouldn't matter...well, that's a lie. Everything happens for a reason. And everything has an equal and opposite reaction/action or w/e. Either way, NONE OF THIS IS REAL. While we're "Living" in this dream called life, we're all just waiting for the "kick" when we die. That jolt that feels like falling...and then you wake up. That's all it is. i get it. In general, life is like...You're running. Your whole life, you are running. And when your "race" is up, you reach a cliff. Then, when you die, you fall off that cliff. Wow, I'm shaking. What do I normally write in these things? Life theories? Diary entries? Blurbs? I suppose all of these things. Everything I say here could be completely off and just pointless delusions or it could be geneous.. Genious? I can't spell anymore and you know, writing a shit ton should make my writing neater. but i would say that's not the case, hey? Yesterday I was at the mall with ____. We were walking outside around it and I got the thought in my head, "This feels like I'm in Vegas... like a dream...I'm in Vegas" It was hot. But I was dissociating so bad that I was lost. Everything still feels lost. And I'm still so high in space. I can't come down yet. 
Should I go back? Should I? I feel alone and tired. Should I go back? Should I go back? Should i? I hope you don't forget me. 
(Asthenia - Blink 182.) I keep just...staring into space. Space.
I realize I sound completely insane in all of these blurbs lol. I don't even know if I seriously believe all this shit I write. Like at all. Maybe I'm just fascinated by it and want it to be true. Idk. But I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't know. I'm so confused and just lost in space from afar. Beyond the real world. I'm in the other dimension. (ghost world.) Seriously.

I keep saying things and checking if they sound normal to me. My thoughts haven't fully "un-spaced" themselves. I want to make a tent/fort sort of thing randomly. IDK how that would work, even. But it'd be awesome all the same.

I just want to...idk. Lately I've been feeling the urge to cuddle and feel close to someone again. I miss ____. Even though I'm fully  aware that I push everyone away from myself, I feel alone in the world. I want to lay under the stars with someone very close to me and just talk all night staring at the clouds. I don't know. I just miss things. I miss old times. And sleepovers. Kisses. What I really want right now is to just feel close to someone, and not disconnected from the world. I want to feel alive. I want to feel here. I legitimately don't know. Why do I feel nostalgic all of a sudden? I have the weirdest ure to call up Ash or Felicia. 

I feel far gone. I wasn't myself today. I feel stupid. I saw a fearless side of me... but it was ,fictitious. No, rly. I want to fill this notebook. I want to do that. Dexter. Dissociate. I already am, but I want inspiration. They won't know. But I promised...but since when do promises count? This stupid, STUPID logic. But if yours didn't count and you went against your word behind my back...I can do it too. I won't get addicted again. Don't over do it. 30x3 = 90. Maybe only 2. No, 3. They'll be drunk. I won't get caught. You won't even know. I feel like Go Ask Alice. Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry. I want to be fearless. I'm fearless. Truly. I'll be ME. Sorry. I'm a fucking wreck. Lost in space. I'll be fine I'll be fine. i'm not a goner just dreaming. I'll come back I promise. I promise. I WILL SURVIVE. brb. If you need me, I'll be in space. I Remember multiverse? I'm just lost in an infinite loop of space. Dreams and lights. Connect them together and you've got memories. Hopes. Flashbacks. Thoughts. Everything. Death is a promise and life is a dream. Nothing more than a dream. I don't exist. We don't exist. Nothing is real. What is reality? ---> 

Life is a perception of your own reality. I don't know. I just know that life is life. And i'm a ghost in this world just visiting. I have and am slowly fading into "ghost world". 

BAM. Space. Everywhere. And I'm lost in it. I don't know where to begin or where I am going. Tomorrow is a new day as I open my eyes and see a whole new world out there waiting for me. Brain fog it seems as if there's a dark haze around everything and I'm paranoid as hell. But that's ok. I feel like dying. It's all in your head. It's all in my head. Spinning. My thoughts are goin over and under everything and I legitimately have NO idea what the fuck I am talking about. Sooo. Gotta maintain. I feel like dying. DJ Italian SenSation<3 I feel...disconnected. Legitimately. WTF. yr ok. You're okay. Stress on the brain. I feel like dying - YOU ARE OKAY. This will not last forever.